One Year of Business - The Shadow Side

The backstory: I quit my professional Project Manager job 6 years ago. Internally, I was struggling with postpartum depression, a level of anxiety that I wouldn’t wish on anyone (what I did not realize was that it would continue to get much worse), and a complete loss of identity. My 2 year old had been sick every.single.month taking a toll on our vacation / personal days at work. I decided I wanted to stay home with her.

One morning, I looked in the mirror and I didn't recognize that person I had become.

She had aged and not aged well, she was so so pale, she looked very sick, she was so completely unhappy. She was not nice, she struggled to get out of bed, she struggled to love her family and she couldn’t love herself. While the appearance had changed, my soul was dying a slow and painful death. I had lost myself. I had no idea where or who I could turn to. As I walked around, never fully completing anything I touched at 100% it was like a tornado with tan tones surrounding me - zero color zero life. To strangers, my life may have been picture perfect. Nice house in the suburbs, a new vehicle, a loving husband, and the ability to stay at home with my kids. Being a mom is by far the most thankless job, being a working mom is often filled with guilt about not being there enough and not getting every single thing done. It’s ever good enough, it’s never clean enough and it’s never complete.

Three years ago, I hit a point of no return. It was either make a change or I had zero desire to no longer be in that situation. My brother was like you have so much to offer, you have your MBA, years of experience, why don’t you help other people find their voice like you are trying to find yours. I felt raw, I felt like an imposter because I had no idea where that strong person went. Where did my voice go? Where was my zest for life and adventure? Where did my ability to multitask on a level of 100% on everything I touched? Where did my slimmer frame go? Where did I go?

Two years ago I went on a retreat that changed my life. It helped give me that ability to find all that. But it was also me having to put in the work to work through those terrible days without meds, alcohol and excuses. It was me digging myself out of that massive hole I had lived in for years. As I slowly crawled out, I began to see light and color. I began to laugh and I began to feel love.

One year ago, I launched this company, Bliss Awaits. I knew there were so many other women who have struggled with their identity as a person, a strong beautiful and powerful woman that she was once. It was great. I felt like I was going to make a massive impact. Third month in, I started to freak out. It’s like being on stage in front of thousands of people and they were asking you about very personal details of your life.

I didn’t take into consideration that having those bad days would impact my ability to create meaningful and uplifting content. Instead of posting and letting everyone know I was human and was battling anxiety; I hid it. Sometimes, being in front of the laptop, I just wanted to type fck it.

My closest friends knew but I was struggling. I was like what the hell, why couldn't I get this under control? I recall walking the dogs outside in May of 2019 and being so utterly present in my neighborhood, the sounds of birds, the sounds of kids playing, and the fresh air I had been dying to finally get into. And the sun, the sun is something I desperately need, without it, I am cuckoo for coco puffs. I recall saying to myself - damn it feels so good to be back.

When it comes to mental wellness, I had to take a break. I was trying so hard to stay with the theme and the course but I couldn’t breathe. My husband and I were under an insurmountable amount of stress with a few family issues that needed to be dealt with. I was diagnosed with PTSD and I lived with a trigger everyday that was attacking my nervous system. I was in a constant fight or flight response for months and even years. In November, my therapist and I decided to try brain-mapping / Neurofeedback. After 4 sessions, I saw a complete difference in my ability to function. Not overthink, not be sucked into the crazy of someone else's situation, but to be present, to look someone in the eye to be able to have a conversation without mentally being checked out, it has been game changing. Game changing for my business to be open about my story. That was my intention from the start, but what I didn’t realize was actually doing it and being committed to it. Putting myself out there. The fact is I took the biggest risk of allowing everyone to see what my life is like behind closed doors. Being open about anxiety, postpartum depression, loss of identity, and alternative solutions / tools that maybe you can bring into your life.

I survived. I’ve lived through childhood trauma, postpartum depression, PTSD, anxiety, abusive relationships, and I made it through. I sat through those bad days, I ostracized myself, but I sought the help I needed. I needed to face the trauma I went through as a child and teenager.

Today, I no longer have that level of anxiety, I no longer feel like a victim, and most importantly, I have my voice back. I am happy to share these tools - albeit not for everyone, but if you are open to new modalities and simply interested to take that next step for yourself - my self care bliss bag is for you.

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Included in my first purchase were these amazing Celestite necklaces. Celestite is a stone for peace and harmony; brings mental clarity and allows you to better connect to your higher self. May you find harmony, peace and your voice. Purchase here.



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